A few days ago, news emerged of a White House questionnaire for prospective Republican candidates to get Trump’s backing. It included questions such as:
- Do you support or oppose President Trump’s imposition of 25 percent tariffs on steel imports and 10 percent tariffs on aluminum imports?
- Do you support or oppose President Trump’s decision to withdraw from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a multinational trade agreement?
- “Do you support or oppose the repeal of Obamacare’s individual mandate within the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017?”
In all likelihood, given that Trump has the attention span of an amnesiac fruit-fly, his White House staff drafted this. But what if our very own stable genius had actually gotten out there what he REALLY wanted to ask of potential GOP candidates?
It would no doubt be on the lines of…
- Do you like Donald Trump?
- You do? Say it again?
- Could you make Melania say it? <everyone looks awkwardly left, then right, then down at their shoe-laces> Never mind…
- Do you ever wonder why I rarely laugh and if I do it’s utterly soulless and inevitably at some-one else’s misfortune? You don’t. Good.
- Say you like Donald Trump again.
- Is having a vocabulary in excess of 18 words important to you? No. Good, me neither. Even though I know words. I have the best words.
- Are you able to sum up your entire political raison d’être using just seven square inches on the front of a Chinese made red baseball cap?
- Do you like that weird thing I do when I point to the person next to me that I approve of (never a leaker or a loser) and grin like I’m trying to sell you a fraudulent time-share in the Seychelles, thereby confirming that I really do, genuinely think that the whole world can only ever focus on me and I have to literally point out that there are other people on the planet?
- Do you have any evidence for Paul Ryan or Rand Paul at any time ever having had anything even vaguely resembling a spinal column?
- A visiting dignitary from a key foreign ally is in town and you’re delivering a joint press conference in the White House. You think he may have a fleck of dandruff on his collar. Do you:
- Ignore it in the interests of established international norms?
- Try not to focus on it, despite you finding it a touch bothersome, and focus on an exchange of intricate policy detail with your guest?
- Immediately home in on it with almost laser-sight precision, flick it off the collar of your bewildered guest, all the while going puce in the face with glee, then turn to the gaggle of press and babble something largely incoherent?
- Does my talking in the third person about me disturb you. No? Good. It doesn’t disturb me or Donald either.
- What do you know about “the nuclear”? Please explain with sentences that have no relation to the previous ones and also contain no more than 5 words. Feel free to add facial expressions akin to having just sat on a plate of Sunday roast dinner as you do.
- Have I asked you if you like Donald Trump?
- Are pictures ever an acceptable way of detailing crucial foreign policy issues to the President?
- In crayon?
- Porn stars. Have you…never mind.
- Do you like former Indiana Governors that continually gaze approvingly at you despite whatever outlandish, ridiculous and reprehensible word salad that you last blurted out?
- Do you like Donald Trump?
- Walls – the undeniable merits of. Discuss.
- To finish, something different. Do you like Donald J. Trump?
So, all a GOP candidate that passes this Trumpian version of Narcissist Jeopardy then needs is the Loyalty Oath uttered pre-dawn underneath the light of a thousand clutched tiki-torches prior to kissing Donald’s ring.
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