If you’re a conservative, put down the tinsel and back away from the tree. I have some upsetting news.
You don’t get to celebrate Christmas this year.
Return the gifts and put away your Yule Log.
I haven’t spoken with conservatives about Christmas much, because I’m not concerned about their harmless fantasies. They can trot out their annual ritual and go to town, as long as they don’t get too obnoxious about it.
Not Christmas, itself. Everyone’s cool with that.
It’s the “War on Christmas” That Fox News made up, and that President Trump keeps lying about to his MAGA-hatted Stockholm Syndrome cases.
The reason conservatives don’t get Christmas is simpler than Don, Jr.: This year, they’ve had control of the whole government, and nothing they’ve done, tried to do or plan to do follows the teachings of the guy who’s birthday is Dec. 25. Sort of the exact opposite.
I made a list, checked it twice, and conservatives really fucked up this year, Christ-wise. You may not have done everything on the list personally, but if you’re a conservative, you signed off on it.
To sum up the list: conservatives made the Grinch look like a model of self-restraint, in that he only stole presents and didn’t do anything that would cause lots of Whoville residents to struggle and die.
Trump bears a strong resemblance to The Heat Miser in the old Year Without a Santa Claus cartoon – which may be the only way he partakes of the Christmas spirit at all.
Pandering aside, Trump’s so far from being a Christian that he thinks the Sermon on the Mount is a description of Harvey Weinstein’s technique. He’s just waiting for a follow-up on the Dismount.
Yet evangelicals slupport that racist, lying, corrupt, adulterer, wealth-obsessed, violence-encouraging, orange fruitcake. Maybe they think he’s a delivery vehicle for Christian fanatic Mike Pence to become the theo-president. Maybe they think he’ll usher in the End Times they crave.
But don’t finish your eggnog. There’s more!
With their cheerful holiday tax bill, passed without hearings and against the will of the majority of Americans, Republicans gave a massive tax cut to the rich and corporations at the expense of everyone else.
They really don’t get the whole “camel” and “eye of a needle” thing.
That bill throws millions off health care–proving conservatives don’t have a handle on the“least among us”deal Jesus mentioned, either.
Their relentless attempts to kill Obamacare – which, incidentally, guarantees mass death – is somewhat less than Christlike, as well.
While you’re standing under the mistletoe for a consensual smooch, spare a thought for Trump and the GOP’s embrace of Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, accused by numerous women of a having a penchant for teenage girls – or as the rest of Earth’s civilization calls it, “pedophilia.” If you stood in line with your child for a photo with Santa at an Alabama mall, you can at least be comforted by the likelihood that Moore was banned from that mall.
I don’t think “Suffer the little children to come unto me” meant what these guys think it meant.
But Christmas is for the children, and what’s more festive than a party that didn’t reauthorize funding for the Children’s Health Insurance Program that covers 9 million of them?
Ending DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) was another touching way to let kids know what conservatives think of them. If there’s one thing you can be sure your savior would do, it’s tearing families apart and deporting them.
Imagine the joy on grandma and grandpa’s faces when they learn Republicans are coming for their Social Security and Medicare – because they need to make up revenue from the rich people tax cuts. Heartwarming.
Especially deserving of a mob of carolers with pitchforks: House Speaker Paul Ryan, who considers Tiny Tim and his dad “takers.” his outright giddiness at the prospect of disappearing the social safety net classifies him as a dangerous sociopath. But, by all means, he should keep attending his Catholic church and calling for prayers after mass shootings..
This year, Republicans moved to dismantle banking regulations put in place after they nearly torched the U.S. economy in 2008. Yet I’m sure they still love the cute story about Jesus throwing a tantrum and kicking over the money changers’ tables.
Stewardship of God’s creation – you know, Earth? Meet the Environmental Protection Agency’s Scott Pruitt. See also:“climate change denial.”
The anti-gay stuff? Mr. Birthday never mentioned it. Not his thing.
All the racism, greed, cruelty and immorality?
This year, conservatives in America’s Christian party proved they’re not so much actual Christians as just followers who retweet him out of context.
I’m not saying this dings you from Christmas celebrations forever. Just give this one a time-out and take the year to regroup. To paraphrase the Soup Nazi–although Trump et al. have even been soft on actual Nazis this year– no candy cane for you! The holiday season doesn’t have to be a total loss for you, though. You’ll always have Krampusnacht, which is a much better fit!