Have you tried to live a good “Khristian” life, but you’re worried that you’ve been just a tad too naughty to be “raptured” when Big Daddy and J.C. float 144,000 of the “righteous” up to heaven or Planet Kolob or somewhere? Well, buck up Bunkie! Good ol’ Jim Bakker is riding to the rescue and has he got a deal for you!
Unfortunately, Jimbo can’t forge you a ticket on the Rapture Rocket, but he CAN help you survive the “End Times.” Well, for a while anyway, depending on how much you are willing to spend.
Jim Bakker is a man of whom it has been said, “You can take the man out of the con, but you can’t take the con out of the man!” Jimbo, late of PTL [“Praise The Lord”] (or more accurately, “Pass The Loot.”) and sharing a prison cell with perennial presidential candidate, Lyndon LaRouche. is back to his old bailiwick, with a brand new schtick.
Nowadays, Jimbo’s an End Times prophet (or, more accurately, “Profiteer”). And, while he’s convinced he’s going to ride that rocket when the time comes, he knows a lot of his followers are going to be stuck down here on Planet Pollution. And, during the 1,000 year-long End Times, with ol’ Scratch running the show, Jim also “knows” that the food supply is in for some serious screwing up.
We’ve been born for such a time as this. God has called you for this time. We ARE in the End of Days! We are part of what will be the greatest outpouring of the Holy Spirit that there was ever been! What an amazing time to be alive!
We also know that things are going to be happening quite suddenly that will shake this world to the core. We know there will be sickness and great hunger, we know there will be war, we know there will be natural disasters beyond all our comprehension. How do we know this? How can I be so sure?
When I speak of these things I am speaking from the authority of the Word of God. The longer I live on this earth I see that there are no mistakes in the Bible. If you want to know the future, you need to know the Word of the Living God!
But, fear not my friend, for the low, low price of $175, he’ll send you his “popular and delicious Tasty Food Bucket” with enough to last a family of four for a month. Or, maybe not, Jimbo says it contains 374 servings, not 374 meals, so I’m not really sure on that. Of course, if you have deep pockets, say, $3700 deep, there’s the “Time of Trouble” 28 bucket deal that should last you 28 times longer. Oh, and you better hurry, because in May, there’s going to be some changes made and maybe you won’t like them.
Now you may suspect that all this is a bit spendy for what’s mostly pasta, beans and powdered food, but on the offhand possibility that it’s gourmet pasta, beans and powdered food, I decided to do a bit of research.
It turns out that National Public Radio [NPR] bought some to try, so I wouldn’t have to.
They tried the creamy potato soup, macaroni elbows and cheese powder, the chicken noodle soup and the chocolate pudding for dessert. Their assessment?
Save for the pudding, the dishes were extremely salty and had odd, lingering aftertastes. We couldn’t agree on which was worse — the thick potato soup that felt like eating wet cement, the strong chemical overtones in the chocolate pudding or the disturbing radioactive orange of the macaroni and cheese.
They also invited a New York chef to give his professional opinion. I think he summed it up best,
It’s awful. It’s trash!… They taste like a bathroom at a bar at the end of the night in a college town!… One of the worst things I’ve ever eaten in my life.
But, you are probably saying to yourself, these guys are pointy-headed New Yawk elitists. What would REAL people think about the food?
I’m soooo glad you asked. Check out the video below. It’s hilarious!
p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it. I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).
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